Disclaimer: I pride myself with religious tolerance, but I am going to have to mock some a bit in this article, so please bear with me. Also, it isn't always pretty, so check with yourself if you don't mind having vile images implanted in your skull by reading about demons doing nasty things to people... or the likes...

Theist: *ominous background music* This article is about... the clutches of utmost evil. It is about the religion that utilizes the pentagram to summon demons and open the gates of hell. It is a warning, to all of you, tha- *garbled noises, hiss, static*

Talkshow Master: Hello, and welcome to "The End Of The World As You Know It"! Our guests for today will include a regular church goer and avid preacher (P1), a teenager with a destructive attitude (P2) and he who is angry he was dragged into this show instead of being able to continue with his regular, daily schedule in his proper job (P3). It is your job out there to find out 'who is the Satanist?'. To make it a little easier for you, dear viewer, we will let our guests talk.

P2: Satan rules. He can smash all of you, like.
P1: Why would Satan want that? Wouldn't that be a waste of his time?
P3: I really, really don't know why I'm sitting here, debating about non-existant beings that apparently are out to get out souls. (upset) I was busy with an important project when you called me.
P1 & P2: Satan does exist, you rotten non-believer!
P3: Gentlemen, calm yourselves.
T.M.: Yes, please do calm yourselves. We better see if we can agree on a definition of 'Satan', to start out with. Please define it.
P1: Satan is a powerful entity you shouldn't ignore. God is all-forgiving, but Satan is not. You should work to please Satan, as he is a ruler of the world of the living. God is the 'ruler' of the afterlife, so to speak, but he demands nothing from believers. So if you really want to get anywhere, praise Satan, but do not forget God.
P2: You have it all wrong. Satan is the only deity. He created the world. He demands the slaughtering of animals so he can drink their blood before he aids you with demons that do your bidding. I know. I have seen them.
P3: (shaking his head) Satan is the hebrew word for "opposer". As a word, it has been around far longer than the Christian religion. If analysed correctly, even the bible will bring forth that 'Satan' is nothing more than the nature of man, his instincts, his animal side, the ruthless, emotional, carnal self, the ego. Even the bible once intended 'Satan' be used as a healthy antithesis. Afterall, it does promote the ideas of duality, and it has been psychologically verified that good cannot exist without evil and vice versa, and that these states will always enforce one another. For example, true love cannot exist without true hate. You cannot possibly love everyo-
P1: You can.
P3: I wasn't finished. (clears throat) You cannot possibly love everyone around you, as without hate, the 'love' loses it's meaning. Man is an animal slave to subjectivity. An example of this subjectivity: Going outside into a summer day after you've been in a sauna as opposed to going outside into the same summer day after you've been swimming in the ocean. Former will make the temperature seem cool to you, latter will make it warm. In itself, the temperate is meaningless - only contrasts make it tangible.
P1: What does this have to do with Satan?
P2: Yeah! You don't know anything.
P3: It has everything to do with Satan. Satan is the opposer, the antithesis. In a way, you could say it is a force of nature, evident everywhere. You cannot experience the spiritual as spiritual if you know nothing about the carnal. You cannot love without hati-
P1: A force of nature?
P3: (irritated) Yes.
P2: That's... like... making Satan inferior to nature... you... you...
P3: I am merely stating my opinion in this matter. You personally do not have to agree. I was asked what my definition of Satan is, and I have stated it, and backed it up with facts.
P1: But the bible-
P3: The Bible is not vastly accepted as being proof of anything. Granted, science is also only a 'belief', as it can still not prove that the world existed five seconds ago, and if it didn't, who or what created it, but it has a lot more logical consistency than the Bible. It does not contradict itself on every second page.
P1: You say you don't want me to believe you, but here you are, deliberately attack my faith.
P3: I am defending my own point.
P1: You are attacking me. People like you were burnt on the stake centuries ago.
P2: Kill him, kill him! Blood!
P3: (narrows eyes) All right, if you want me to work with the Bible, ...
P1: Yes.
P3: ...I'll work with the Bible. (pause) So it was Satan that tempted Eve, yes?
P1: Yes.
P3: And if I recall correctly, Adam and Eve were exiled due to the apple business, yes?
P1: (puzzled) Yes.
P2: Get on with it!
P3: Well, can we also agree on that Adam and Eve knew of no evil and of no wrong before they were tempted?
P1: ...yes.
P3: Then, logically, God was expected two toddlers to make a decision on whether or not a flame burns or not without actually touching it, and exiled them for prodding some. Satan, however, was doing what every good parent should, and provoked the kids to make their own expiriences, to realise their actions had consequences, to teach them what it means to learn. Ergo, Satan cannot have been 'evil'.
P1: (gapes) But... but... (falls silent) I'm going. (leaves)
P3: (smiles proudly) Right. That's settled. Now to you. (eyes glint)
P2: ...you don't look so docile anymore, all of a sudden.
P3: I never claimed I was. (stands up)
P2: I can summon demons... they'll rape your family.
P3: Tell it I'll return the favour.
P2: (suddenly pale) Wh... wh... what?
P3: I'll rape it back.
P2: ...uh... (snaps out of it) You can't do that.
P3: Watch me.
P2: Only a deity could get close enough for something as... blargh... like that.
P3: What makes you think I am not a deity? (wriggling of eyebrows)
P2: (stares. struck silent) Uhm, okay... let's just forget the whole 'I summon demons' thing, okay, I never threatened you. Can we agree on that?
P3: Do you have 20 euroes to spare? I might forgive you.
P2: (clutches hands to fists, pressing lips to a thin line) That is not fair.
P3: And raping my family would be?
P2: (silent, then leaves without further notice)
P3: (calls after) I can summon psychiatrists... they'll give you the proper care you need! (pause) Ah, well. Can I get back to my job now?

T.M.: Yes. That concludes today's show! Could you guess? Have you found out 'who is the Satanist?'? Phone now, and if you get it right, you'll get an all-expenses paid trip the Bahamas, where you will be allowed to spend an entire week in a luxury 5 star hotel! Don't hesitate, call now!


T.M.: Welcome to another episode of "The End Of The World As You Know It!". Before starting today's show, I'd like to offer you the answers to last week's "Who is the Satanist?", which was avidly participated in, but with the worst results in a while...
45% of all callers guessed Person 2, who was a rebel without a cause teen, a devil-worshipping Diabloist.
36% of all callers guessed Person 1, who was of a Christian sub-cult.
19% of all callers guessed Person 3, who was of LaVey's Church Of Satan, has a healthy income, has been married for eight years, has not been guilty of any crimes, and claims to be 'the happiest man on earth'.

Getting to the serious background of the comedy above:

Satanism is best explained on the Church of Satan website.

For your convinience, here is a short summary:

* Satanists do not worship Satan. At most, "Satan" to them represents a force of nature, and always the need for duality.
* Satanists champion the ego & animal side of man. In fact, man is just another animal to them.
* Satanists champion life. Suicide is looked down upon. Children and animals are not to be harmed, latter only if they attack or for the sake of food.
* Self-preservation and self-betterment are the highest Satanic laws.
* Sins in Satanism include: Stupidity, Soliphism, Forgetfulness of past orthodoxies, Self-deceit, Herd Conformity and Counterproductive pride [...]. (Explanations)
* LaVey's religion is, indeed, the only religion that ever claimed the name "Satanism" for itself, thus his "followers" are the only true Satanists. This is further enforced by the fact that Crowley's teachings are thelemite (Thelema) and devil-worshippers are usually Christians wishing to rebell, with (1) no set doctrine (2) no rights to their own religious name.
* Satanism prides itself with being reality based. It's a practised religion of a daily life. It's teachings, if lived out properly, will cause no one to look like an antisocial freak, and no one to swear excessively and hate their parents. It is still vastly misinterpreted by many people who claim to live by it, though, as existing for mere rebellion's sake. Nothing could be further from the truth.

FourFortyists that are also Satanic:
- Neike @pollyon Satana
- Malice
If you want to contact one of us, please do so. Both I (Neike) and her are pretty openminded, we won't try to convert you (ever), only perhaps force you to understand we are not evil. ;) Much. ;)